Trio in an empty canvas

black
Black is my favorite shade, it’s good for outlines and backgrounds as well. It’s impression clings to me where ever I am… It’s like my gloomy past that I can always look back at and learn every lesson I can.

red
Red will make a great contrast to fill in even the tiniest dot in the blackness. It’s the color of blood which runs through my veins and is what gushes out whenever I feel hurt and pain from the world around me

yellow
Yellow will lead the light back in the darkened areas of the picture. It somehow balances the emptiness in the canvass of black and red. Yet it will make a very psyched picture if you happen to do it with a Gothic mood….

A new beginning

A new blossom…spring is finally here

It’s been quite sometime now since I decided to free myself with my past. I have clung onto it since I became aware of my surroundings, memories from childhood to adulthood. Bitter-sweet memories and crazy stuff. Now that would be some accounting
How do you really let go of the past? How do I start anew? Can I forget everything that has happened? Have I had enough of all these? Have I learned from all my mistakes?
I never knew how to answer all my questions or if I really want to stop and think off answers. I’ve always been so proud not letting emotions overcome me. As a defense I’ve devised this façade that I thought would protect me, and help me sort out things.Then came the denial stage…followed by delusions and betrayal. All along I felt pain, confusion and distraught.
But somehow everything turned around in a blink of an eye… it happened so fast I was caught myself enjoying the happiness and contentment I am experiencing now. I have decided to take a step towards a new life, I renewed my Faith with God, keep constant check on my moral values, mistakes and started to lead my 3 kids too. Doing volunteer services for the church and attending extra activities involving Christians like us. It’s not as if I am not encountering problems anymore, but it’s a fact that each of us will always be tested but for now I can safely say, we are happy and living by God’s grace.

Daddy’s influence

“I am proud of you!” It was an offline message from a father who does not really sees his son as often as needed. Doesn’t communicate and show affection. If that kid would read that 5 word message what would he really feel?

I found out a couple of years ago that my dad was really proud of me… and that he REALLY loves me. He lives with his second family now but still communicates with me and in times of need I can count on him. But it was not like that when I was little, as a kid whose dad was abroad working, it somehow gets very lonely and frustrating, having lots of ideals and wishes that would not come to reality because the father is away. Sure my needs were all given, put to a private school, proper food and clothing, shelter and medications were always provided. But the “happy” family I always watched on movies and cartoons were not there at all. I guess that was the time I somehow realized that I am really incomplete. I have a very loving mom and two kid sisters that would always make the house fun and warm but the longing for a dad I was missing could not be put at ease. Thus, came this denial stage of mine. I thought I have overcome the longing and the emptiness but it was only recently that I realized that I shoved it at the back of my head where it kept growing and hurting,unconsciously. I have made a mess of my teenage years and now am facing all the consequences of it but I am grateful because when I decided to stand and pick up the pieces of my shattered youth my dad was there for me and expressed what he really felt. You see saying “I love you” and “I’m proud of you” really makes a person’s life more meaningful specially coming from a father whom you’ve never really get to spend time with.

I guess the offline message for the son (mentioned in the beginning of this selection) would compensate his longing for his father and somehow ease his pent up anger for leaving him…

Full of crap…

This one is full of crap!

Have you enjoyed making up stories to cover up for your little mistakes? I guess…hehehe I often laugh at mere white lies. Can you imagine yourself savoring white lies? It is quite fun having these nonsense escape you. It is a wishful thinking, release of what’s suppose to consume your common sense.  Let me see if I can generate examples of what I want to convey to you readers…

There was this lady whom I am friends with for years now, she always tells me stuff which I would love to hear, or so she thought, because whenever we converse I would rather agree and smile back at her. And when she would ask me things I was suppose to have accomplished for her I would simply make up an excuse, just a small one-close to the truth to cover up for my shortcomings or mistakes.

I am not a techie, I don’t understand or even bother to be updated from all  new stuff that is being upgraded every now and then. Mobile phones are indeed proven essential yet I don’t think owning the latest and most expensive one is necessary but I do like seeing new gadgets once in a while.

I always pretend to be the “know all” person…when in fact I would just learn things when I need to…just that a keen pick up is very useful to me, though I am a bookworm and would often adopt what I can. I just enjoy being the know all person that I am now… but do you know that sometimes acting as if you’re dumb is quiet exciting and fun? you ought to try it …

Here I am now…

“Fourteen years!!! Wow, so it’s been that long since I first encountered my so-called infatuation.” whispered Selene as she tries to recollect what happened along those bitter-sweet years, but all she can feel is a stabbing pain of regret. She just finished another manga, Japanese comics that she got herself hooked up with. “I guess it’s my 100th manga already and I am really engrossed or should i say caught up with wishful thinking?”

Come to think of it Selene is escaping again into her own world, her own realm which she started to build when she was only 9 years old. A perfect world where she is always happy, doing whatever she wants, interacting with whoever she desires and gets what she needs. Love , attention, affection, joy, peace, happiness and everything else that she could ask for. But it’s proven that it did not serve her well.

Selene and Eros met Fourteen years ago, got intimate the minute they saw each other, not realizing the consequences of all their childish and irrational deeds. Their relationship started as rocky as a ship hauled by the giant waves in a stormy sea. But since it was Selene’s “first” she decided to go along with the hot current of lust and adventure, lost and blinded by her heart’s desire (or so she thought back then)she was rapidly being swallowed into an abyss where nothing can help her escape. She bore Eros’ children yet unsatisfied with the outcome of her not so fairytale love story Selene decided to seek her happiness elsewhere but as she ventures from one affair after the other it only increased the longing for freedom from all that has happened. She is empty, numb and in despair because she lost her youth, her life , her sanity, herself. The energetic, lovable, happy youthful Selene  no longer exist in this world. Her journey with Eros finally ended 4 years ago after an on-off battle for love, trust and respect, full of heartaches and delusions. I would say Selene lost that battle but until now she still continues to fight yet another battle, but this time she no longer fights for any other reasons other than her most precious children. Even without Eros by her side she is not alone anymore, she has a support group that increases as she shares her time to those in need.

Now as she closes another manga she somehow feels the loneliness creeping inside her trying to invade her guarded heart. She is now living a somewhat peaceful disposition in life…behind those addictive manga and writing hobby.

“I guess it’s time to read another manga where I can exchange places with each hero, taking on adventure and love one after the other.” sighed Selene and now is browsing her collection. “Dreamland here I go again. I will definitely face reality in due time”