The indescribable mini me

She walks, she talks, she laughs, she thinks

She plays, she kids,she cries, she sleeps

the mini me is a replica indeed of the big me in her small body

though I try hard to understand her

I still can’t comprehend her complexities

the mini me inside her is the reflection I longed to care for…

The mini me inside her, oh how I long to understand her…

the mini me…the indescribable me…

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Moon’s Influence

I always find myself every night staring at the moon; somehow it puts me in this trance that takes most of my strength and effort just to turn around. I get fascinated by the brightness it emits in the night sky. Whether the sky is clear or overcast, she always finds her way to shine. It’s as if the moon summons me, the gravity keeps pulling me to stare and be captivated. It is like an enchantress up in the sky, calling for her worshipers to admire her even more. As the full moon rises and her color changes, what else can you do but stare?

I’ve heard a lot of myths wherein werewolves transform when a full moon arises. It’s common to folklores way back from the medieval times and even the ancient Greeks. These are so-called humans whose ability  is to shape shift into a wolflike beast ravaging into the night.  Now once bitten or cursed a human can become a werewolf granted the moon is full. You can never really recognize the person inside as they transform, their face becomes elongated, dog-like savages, from normal canines to beastly fangs, their body weight and height doubles as claws grow long and wolf like fur covers every inch of their body. Folklore or myth these stories kept people from wandering at night in those days. Other’s associate the full moon with vampires, since they are nocturnal creatures. Being most powerful in the night doing anything and everything they please. It is said that the moon gives them extra power and stamina to deal with their huntings and feedings. Been a fan of these folklores, read so many novels and watch many movies, though at times it gives me the creeps, most often it fascinates me.

The moon also has great influence with people; they seem to behave erratically and become so loose in words and in action. That is why they used the word “lunatic” to describe these people who act as if they are crazy. Well there really is no proof on any of these claims; maybe it’s just the thought of seeing a full moon that gives people excuse.

But no matter stories derived from its influence, I know that when I look at the moon, I see myself staring back. Lonely yet reflects brilliance for others who look upon her. Sad yet often attracts patrons. Secretive yet alluring. These feelings and traits pains me and yet calms me at the same time as I share it with her.

Their LOVE Story

I heard her story when she first graced her appearance to our Victory Group (a bible study group – but not your conventional one) where she shared her “love” story. With that very touching story she was also interviewed at 700 Club Asia. A VERY REAL, sad love story that gave me shivers when I first heard of it.

Then yesterday I attended our church’s Leaders’ Convergence, they shared her story, this time it was in a video with her husband. I was really in tears and thought that miracle can happen to anyone who seeks God for intervention. And with our church starting a new series today entitled “Infinitude” where in it tackles about God’s immeasurable attributes. It’s a four-part series; this week’s topic is about “Immutable” – wherein God’s attributes NEVER change. The pastor sited so many samples of changes around us even the relationships we are in, especially when we do not focus on fixed points, like God, who never changes. His mind, purpose, plan and promises…again they showed Tina’s video. Even as I write it now my eyes get clouded with tears of hope, joy and love…

You see Tina is a real fighter, a real believer and follower of God. She got married because she was about to gave birth to their son, and as like all married couples problem arose and things got difficult. They already had 2 sons when her husband started cheating on her and left them. The husband even said (on the video) that he thought that God would accept what he did because he put the blame all on her, he filed for an annulment. During those times Tina sought God. Read the bible with her sons and continued praying asking God for guidance and intervention. His husband on the other hand was feeling incomplete instead of the freedom that he thought he would feel after leaving his family. He was left with nothing,, no God, no family and no wife.

Then he went to pastoral counseling went to Victory Weekend, got baptized again and got born-again …again. He started courting Tina, went on dates with her, took her out-of-town, and gave flowers and card saying “I love you”. And after 9 long years they got married…again. As Tina puts it, “it’s still a work in progress” but as God as the center of their relationship, their family the drastic changes that happened before that ruined them is now turning completely around. Their family is now happily living the way God planned it, God promised us that whoever seeks, will find, whoever asked will be answered…true to His words, He answered Tina’s prayers. Truly nothing is impossible with our One true God. He never changes His plans, His Promises, His mind and His Love for all of us…He has a different approach, different ways with dealing with all of us. So why fix your focus on things that would gradually fade away, Earthly treasures, Worldly needs and happiness will not last forever.

Her story gave me hope, joy and sadness all at the same time…will I have the same miracles, good changes , turns and chances in life? Well, I already am confident that I can answer this with a big YES! I got involved with the church and so are my 3 kids… and true enough the changes in our lives even without my husband beside me is good and gave me peace of mind because I know that My God , my savior, my provider is also my kids’ FATHER and my best friend, my partner forever and that will never change. A testimony for everyone to listen and learn that relying on your own strength and own capabilities are never enough.

With immeasurable faith in God her story will be mine or yours one day…

suddenly…tears

I have been a cry baby since I was born, Shed millions of tears specially in my early adulthood. Why? I really don’t know, is it a sign of resignation? failure? hopelessness? happiness or relief? Why do we shed tears? I never really fathom why, it won’t do me any good at all. I just end up with puffy eyes, red nose and chest pains when I cry. I am always in denial, well that’s what’s perceived of me.

Suddenly my tears to escaped my eyes, not knowing why exactly (again). Let me figure it out first. I guess my subconscious mind is telling me to acknowledge the pain building up inside me, the worries I’ve pushed aside. You see I can never start to deal with worries and stress properly, my first reaction is to shove it aside and pretend as if nothing is wrong and live a day at a time but I know there are ways to deal with it properly and I know that I should start now or else it will consume me whole.

It’s suppose to free me of the building pressure but it just makes me more sad, more tensed, more stressed. I just want to be genuinely happy, not putting up facades every single day. Torn from what’s real and wishes still, I now have to make the first step to my discovery and development…easier said than done.  😀

Have you had tears all of a sudden escaping you?

childhood crush

I recently found out that an elementary classmate of mine had a crush on me. It’s a real shocker! All those years I thought I was the ugly duckling of the class… hahaha who are you kidding! it’s not that important now. I don’t think of things like such. He is now a friend in my social site, we chat if we get the chance. Earlier this day he asked me how to get to as specific place, a company wherein he will have his interview the next day…well, since I’m in front of my PC I can Google the map in seconds. Gave him the instructions and even sent him the link. All of a sudden he asked me to meet up after the job interview and have dinner at my place. When I asked why, He replied “It’s important in life to be in contact/connection with old friends before moving on with life”. Gosh, who are you kidding!!!!! It’s such a lousy excuse.

Daddy’s influence

“I am proud of you!” It was an offline message from a father who does not really sees his son as often as needed. Doesn’t communicate and show affection. If that kid would read that 5 word message what would he really feel?

I found out a couple of years ago that my dad was really proud of me… and that he REALLY loves me. He lives with his second family now but still communicates with me and in times of need I can count on him. But it was not like that when I was little, as a kid whose dad was abroad working, it somehow gets very lonely and frustrating, having lots of ideals and wishes that would not come to reality because the father is away. Sure my needs were all given, put to a private school, proper food and clothing, shelter and medications were always provided. But the “happy” family I always watched on movies and cartoons were not there at all. I guess that was the time I somehow realized that I am really incomplete. I have a very loving mom and two kid sisters that would always make the house fun and warm but the longing for a dad I was missing could not be put at ease. Thus, came this denial stage of mine. I thought I have overcome the longing and the emptiness but it was only recently that I realized that I shoved it at the back of my head where it kept growing and hurting,unconsciously. I have made a mess of my teenage years and now am facing all the consequences of it but I am grateful because when I decided to stand and pick up the pieces of my shattered youth my dad was there for me and expressed what he really felt. You see saying “I love you” and “I’m proud of you” really makes a person’s life more meaningful specially coming from a father whom you’ve never really get to spend time with.

I guess the offline message for the son (mentioned in the beginning of this selection) would compensate his longing for his father and somehow ease his pent up anger for leaving him…

Dreams of the Blue Rose (excerpt)

Confused and nowhere to go, that is how I am now. It is very agonizing , how I came to this point of my life. There is nothing left for me, no reason to live and continue this journey called life.

Before I have everything that I could wish and easily dispose of now in a blink of an eye I am reduced to nothing. I used to wear lovely couture dresses, shoes and bags. Young women my age envy me for my beauty, fame and fortune. Graceful, elegant and seductive, I am Valerie Blanc, from a noble family in France and the Princess of Tango – the renowned Blue Rose Tango. I guess you can say that I have experience a great loss in love that I can express the Tango’s real emotion exquisitely. I have enchanted many men through my Tango. But that is now my past as I ended up destitute and now seeking refuge under this bridge away from the prying eyes.