A poker face for the Immigrant Visa

Leigh just heard the news a while ago that her daughter, whom she last held when her baby was about 7 months old, is now being petitioned, by the grandfather. The father whose immigrant visa just came through is now awaiting his daughter’s.
Leigh kept the poker face, this is what’s best for her and this is what must done. Leigh wants her daughter’s future to be happy and secure. She knew someday they would meet her again…
“May the angels guard and guide you back to me in time.” Leigh sighed, deep behind that poker face is a mother grieving and yearning for a child she once had in her arms.

Z is thinking hard if she’ll give her t…

Z is thinking hard if she’ll give her teachers gifts tomorrow, Teacher’s day. You see she is the type of girl who stresses herself on anything. Worries too much on things that normally 11-year-old kids would not, most kids take things easy, enjoys each time playing and fooling around. Her aunt asked her “Do you really want to give them presents?”, “Are you friends with them?”, “Are you giving presents because most of your classmates are?”…now she is in a bad mood because the hype suddenly plummeted… gotta make here realize what’s the best thing to do…or better yet what she really wants and thinks is better…reality check please

The indescribable mini me

She walks, she talks, she laughs, she thinks

She plays, she kids,she cries, she sleeps

the mini me is a replica indeed of the big me in her small body

though I try hard to understand her

I still can’t comprehend her complexities

the mini me inside her is the reflection I longed to care for…

The mini me inside her, oh how I long to understand her…

the mini me…the indescribable me…

Y and Z at a school program

Y is younger than Z by 3 years, active, outspoken, sporty and will not stay still. While Z on the other hand is the complete opposite, shy and timid, soft-spoken, introvert and fragile.

But today in their school program I’ve seen them both in a different way, both on the same level of enthusiasm, same level of attention, but definitely with different goals.

The school program commemorates the Filipino language so the students were to dress up in the Filipino traditional outfits, sing Filipino-Nationalistic songs, compete on solo and group declaration (of course in Filipino language). Thus the program went well even though there were some technical difficulties experienced and some disorder with the parents trying to take photos and videos of their kids even if they are blocking the parent behind them, it was a success.

After the fun-filled and tiring half day program, i got to see Y and Z’s faces again when I was uploading their still photos from the digital camera to our computer. I got to see their real smile, I really understood that even though they have different goals for this day, the result were the same. Both of them were so happy…genuinely happy. Such pure sweet hearts, easy to please and to ease. I would not let anything steal these smiles away from them. Looking forward for more….

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The question is WHY?

A simple yet meaningful hug from her sister opened her mind to ask WHY? Why did she stopped expressing her true emotions physically to those she truly cherish? Why do she dislike showing her affection through hugging her love ones? Why can’t she hug in return? Why doesn’t she allow herself to receive hugs?

Another sister of hers told her that maybe it was because she don’t want to show vulnerability. She have this fancy belief that she needs to be strong if not physically she have to grow even stronger emotionally. Toughen up for the wrong reasons yet for her it’s reasonable enough. Such twisted way of thinking yet intriguing. She often defend her actions by her bitter past  but that won’t really justify it correctly. She has no right to punish herself  especially the people closest to her.

Does she really hate the feeling of being hugged? She often dodge hugs by saying it irritates her because she has a severe case of asthma when she was young. Then when she became an adult she would just shrugged and turn away if  a hug is on her way. Silly isn’t it? As a matter of fact she does love the feeling of hugging someone, but most of those people she hugged are either gone or have caused her psychological trauma. She doesn’t want the people around her now to leave another scar if she starts to open up and express her affection.

Do you think there is a deeper meaning to this? Do you think it’s better for her to start hugging those she treasure most? Well now is the time to show your affection, tell what’s on your mind? Share your comments and advises. She certainly needs them.

Daddy’s influence

“I am proud of you!” It was an offline message from a father who does not really sees his son as often as needed. Doesn’t communicate and show affection. If that kid would read that 5 word message what would he really feel?

I found out a couple of years ago that my dad was really proud of me… and that he REALLY loves me. He lives with his second family now but still communicates with me and in times of need I can count on him. But it was not like that when I was little, as a kid whose dad was abroad working, it somehow gets very lonely and frustrating, having lots of ideals and wishes that would not come to reality because the father is away. Sure my needs were all given, put to a private school, proper food and clothing, shelter and medications were always provided. But the “happy” family I always watched on movies and cartoons were not there at all. I guess that was the time I somehow realized that I am really incomplete. I have a very loving mom and two kid sisters that would always make the house fun and warm but the longing for a dad I was missing could not be put at ease. Thus, came this denial stage of mine. I thought I have overcome the longing and the emptiness but it was only recently that I realized that I shoved it at the back of my head where it kept growing and hurting,unconsciously. I have made a mess of my teenage years and now am facing all the consequences of it but I am grateful because when I decided to stand and pick up the pieces of my shattered youth my dad was there for me and expressed what he really felt. You see saying “I love you” and “I’m proud of you” really makes a person’s life more meaningful specially coming from a father whom you’ve never really get to spend time with.

I guess the offline message for the son (mentioned in the beginning of this selection) would compensate his longing for his father and somehow ease his pent up anger for leaving him…